Sleeping is a curse.

Hunger fills me as emptiness circumvents my last defense. I tried so hard not to but have failed and now it's gotten in. Thoughts turn to dust and imagination barges in, making what seemed forgotten remember that I hadn't forgotten anything at all. Reminiscing on past actions and the lack there of I feel pain and frustration driving me mad. Tearing me up inside I fall apart only to pick myself up again to suffer through more torture brought to me by myself in an attempt to meet a ends or perhaps to find something underneath which I can not decide. The red blots out my sight making everything to unclear to decipher. My view is skewed and everything becomes a single color.

I sit and for a while nothing happens, everything makes me skittish, all my senses are twisted. Finally I let go, that's when it comes. My sight returns and I can smell. I'd know I could touch and feel but your not there and that's how I know, I've not forgotten my love for you nor will I ever. I break down and cry trying to understand why this is happening to me. Why is it that I can't just forget what I must forget to survive, what I can't have, who I can't be with? It makes a hole and buries it's self deep inside me and again I get up and move on. Maybe tomorrow night I won't feel this way.

Pardon my intrusion

Climbing into bed I curl up beside you,
Kissing you on the forehead I study your figure,
Amazed by your beauty I couldn't imagine being without you,
Holding you tight I will see you in my dreams tonight.

A tear presses through my eyes as I dream of you,
Your beauty beholds me while the world tears me away,
Kissing your forehead once more before you awake,
I get up and leave you asleep.

My mind returns to what I must do,
The real world isn't as nice as my dream world with you,
As I fold up my hide-a-bed and put you away,
My thoughts and love for you are filed away.

Weird poem

Once there was a magical land,
and it was there that the biggest plants did grow.
All the farmers wanted in,
so that their seeds they may sow.

I was left to guard this land,
to watch over it until the end of time.
The trust was laid before me,
the farmers could not to enter to take what is mine.

The farmers came,
and all at once they fought.
Their forces multiplying,
they accomplished their wicked plot.

Then the land was planted,
and the farmers raped the soil.
Nothing grew there anymore,
and the farmers just went away.
I was left standing,
Holding nothing but the blame.

A short poem...

Sewing the hole in my world one stitch at a time,
moving as fast as I can without messing up.
Watching as the light escapes into the nothing,
thinking about the dark that leaking in.

Another tear might form over there,
something might rip that stitch if it's not done right.
Have to finish quickly,
before the world I love is swallowed by darkness.

What's the point?

I'd wear it and I know that I should.
It doesnt fit quite right but thats not the point.

If I wore it then I'd see her.
I do want to see her.
But thats not the point either.

She thinks lowly of me and it hurts me to know this.
I could change it if I saw her.
But thats not the point.

If I changed her mind then she might like me.
If she liked me I wouldnt hurt anymore.
Thats also not the point.

I could make the pain stop.
I dont want to hurt like this anymore.
It doesnt matter what I want.

If it doesnt matter what I want,
Then it doesnt matter that I want her.
Thats the point.

Someone Special

Yearning in ways one could only imagine, the pull shortens the distance to this beauty. All sound becomes still while colour loses any meaning. This beauty wishes not to be acquainted and moves away hastily. Body movement echoes as a pursuit begins. Matching speed while alternating maneuvers, all that was intended was to meet. Taking the lead to circumvent an escape, a plead chokes out from deep inside to wait. Then all at once it stops, and heavy breathing is all that sounds. Turning around, the request is made in-between sobs to take leave. This request can not be made and it should be known why. All that pursuit wasnt to be in vain, a tier comes to the eye. For what reason this loves exists one can not be sure, but it does exist and should not be ignored.

Particals of nothing Atoms... floating in my head.

I tear myself apart, each and every night.
Staring at the blotts of darkness, that stick to my eyes.
Lying awake unable to rest, thoughts and memories run rancid through my head.

It's not that I want them to go, but that they're out of control.
I couldn't stop it if I wanted to, and I wouldn't if I could.
I want it to continue, but I want it to change.

These thoughts come and I know what they mean.
I already knew I loved her, and that bothers me.
I know I can't see her and it kills me.

Sometimes I'd like to drill a screwdriver into my head,
to digg the images out and forget about it.
Sometimes I'd like to see her again, just so I could tell her.
Tell her that I love her, even if it means it's the end.

Every now and then I'd like to go to sleep, and never wake up.
Then I wouldn't have to try sleeping again, and the memories would stop.
Maybe it's all in my head

That one girl

Sparkling like glitter mixed in with the magic a rainbow in a puddle of oil holds on a childs attention. Floating as though gravity its self has lost its mind or given up all hope of fight.

A single moment passes as I watch as she walks past, and I find it hard not to stare. I imagine in my mind I've already gotten off the train, and that for no reason can I not just shout out that I think she is, one of thee most beautiful women I have seen.

I knew before I even saw her that she was there, and even once I saw her, all I could see was her hair. But I knew, oh yes, I could see through those walls, and if only I had better judgment of my own abilities, I'd of been smart to jump off the train then.

I could still see her smiling even after we'd passed, and though I knew I could get off and catch a train back, I knew just as well she wouldn't still be there smiling. I knew I had just lost my chance.

So as I watched her hair bobble with those cute little pig tails in the back, that wonderful orange hair that shine so beautiful. I thought about how I'd find this girl again, and what I might say when I did.

Bobbling so delicately but not with the wind, I swear I saw magic, like sparkles, take flight where she'd been. I know its not love this feeling be named, but perhaps its the feeling that still feels the same.

The Storm

Tearing holes in me, shredding my insides like paper.
This tornado hits close to home,
I watch as those around me run for cover,
while I stand my ground.

I know this fight I can not win,
but running would not save me either.
As blackness quickly sweeps down the street,
I look onward pretending to pay it no attention.

For it is not the tornado that terrifies me,
Nor is it the death and destruction that will follow it's strike.
My fear lies with what has true importance,
as I stare at her, frozen with fear.

It is only her life I will try to save,
and you might think that a selfish thought.
But no one else is near me anyways,
not that I'd try to save them either way.

I reach out gently,
extending my hand carefully,
nodding for her to take it.
Waiting for what seems like a lifetime,
while she stands there,
fear stricken and hazy eyed.

When at last I gain her attention,
she waits only a heartbeat before taking my hand.
It is clear to me that she does not understand,
having never witnessed anything this horrifying,
living the sheltered life, as I once had.

I turn to lead her forward,
towards the storm we must go.
To run will lead to certain death,
to face will take us past the test.

She jerks her hand away in panic,
clearly having believed we were headed away from the storm.
Before she turns to run I cause her to pause for a moment,
as I ask her if she trusts me,
whispering it almost inaudibly.

She screams at me in reply,
with complete horror spelled out across her face.
That she does not trust me,
and turns almost instinctively to run.

I watch as she is sucked up in the spin of the storm,
and I feel as though I've been robbed.
A great sadness overcomes me,
as I try not to think of what came of her.

Thoughts

Overcome with sadness, this remembrance of the past. Thoughts of what used to be echo through my head causing chills, why I can't quite comprehend. Resounding thoughts of recent events turn quietly in my head, slowly driving me mad. What is it that brings me back to this subject? It could be the love, or perhaps it is my curiosity. Perhaps I would move on but am unable to do so due to a lacking of further goals. Do I hide a secret aggression for the dismissal of my feelings? If so, combined with my love could explain some of my thoughts. However, I don't typically harvest aggression for such senile acts.

It would happen to be the case however, that immature acts and pain are what make our lives interesting. Perhaps her act of avoiding me has subconsciously made her all that more desirable.

Perhaps someday

What would I do if you said yes, this question I dare not ask. These pointless debates leading me to this point no matter the change. Perhaps in an alternate dimension I could be with you, but not in this one. Here you shun me as though I were the plague. You declare that I might be stalking you, and make sure that I could do no such thing. I could if I dared, I even know how, but why would I? Such actions would only push you away further and faster.

I stare at the wall and thoughts of what might have been resound in my head, teasing me in the most painful manner to be done. Teasing me for what reason I dare not pursue. Pain is but a small price to pay, the larger price is not pain, but rather the absence of love. I did love you, hell I still do. If I saw you again and suddenly, without reason or method, you decided you would have me, and would not consider in my mind, not ever for a second. I would take you where ever you wanted to go, do what you wanted me to, I'd be whipped, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Those who think they are stronger than love must be very lonely.

I'd love to be your number one zero, and keep you in the corner of my eye. I'd love to pretend to be your friend as another person, just so that I might know you. Just so I could read what you write. Just so I could know when you were sad, or mad, or needed a shoulder to cry on. But you won't have it. If you won't have it then I won't try to give it. I'll just take my lumps and move on. For as sad as I am, I'd never be able to forgive myself, come the day you'd want to meet this other person, I'd have been pretending to be, and instead meet me, running in fear and hating me for the rest of your life.

For as much pain as it causes me to let you go. I feel it's the right thing to do. I hope that someday in the far off future, when at last I see you again, you can finally forgive me, for the fear I somehow caused you. It was never my intention to hurt you, scare you or anything else related to those less desirable things. I only wished for the chance to get to know you a little better. Perhaps I do, and I just don't know how to except defeat.

I claim the sanity plea...

The sentence came down hard, like fire on ice.
The judge stood her ground, and pulled out a knife.
While I might plead my case, I couldn't find the heart to fight.
I knew I was wrong, even if I was right.

My lawyer turned around, a blank look on his face.
Said I could file an insanity plea, and I might win anyways.
I ignored this notion, and made it clear to him so.
As I pulled out a pen, and began to write down my goodbyes.

I betroth my possessions to the bums on the street, lay them out and let them take what they please.
I betroth my friendship to those who would receive it, I need not mention who they might be.
I betroth my feelings to those who I've known the longest, and who do truly know me, they are the support I have relied upon in my times of need.

As for my last wish, I ask only this. That the judge take my life with understanding of why I did what I did. Why it was I tried so hard to do what was wrong. Why I would not accept the insanity plea. Why I leave this world so willingly.

Open the window...

beyond what I can confess, more painful then I might be capable to describe, somewhere inside I hurt and scream in anguish, screaming so loud yet you can not hear why these words don't come out quite clear enough for you to understand, holding back to pace myself so that I may not race myself but finding it hard to hold it in, these feelings I'd like to share around, so freely I might turn these feelings to sound and then you might know somehow, these emotions running though my head, making my blood boil, driving me mad, you might have a grasp then of how deep the depths are, from which my shout has made it so far, bellowing from the depths of hell, spawning forth in a burst of radiance to fulfill... the one thing in any existence that matters still, and can never be changed, no matter the spell, to explain the meaning of my love... and nothing more, returning to it's origins, the depths of hell, and hoping when it returns, someone's opened a window, so that the light may shine though... showing no remorse, if the window is still found to be drawn...

Counting Flowers on the Wall

Here I sit and there I wait,
I make no move to hasesen my journy,
I'm just fine sitting here,

My pain means nothing,
My feelings are mute,

I'll wait forever,
Just sitting and waiting,
After all I have nothing better to do...

Silence Canyon

Though the canyon I am buried in is a deep one, my calls receive no reply from these overbearing walls. My loudest cry seems to make absolutely no sound. I cast stones in the air but don’t hear their landing on the ground. I listen closely as I watch a lizard scramble up a dead tree, but when I hear no sound I know where I am and I don’t want to stay.

In silence canyon no words can be spoken that another can hear. No movement or action can be taken to disturb the absence of sound. The silence is so deafening that even remembering a sound is impossible. You can’t hear yourself speak, nor act, nor think.

I did not come here by choice, though I know how I got here and I wasn’t forced into coming. It was just a pit stop they said on the tour bus, somewhere to rest your feet and enjoy a little quite. They did however forget to mention what time to return to the group, and now I’m here alone, unable to call for help.

I'm by myself

Unsure of where I stand and not knowing where I am, floundering to find myself, trying to understand. Eating myself up inside just to see if I might die all the while trying to find what makes me tick and what makes me cry. Seeing what it is isn't enough, feeling it is just on the surface. I run like a flash just to get ahead of myself.

I trip, fall, and pass myself lying there. When I see that I have fallen I return to the scene, not to help but to criticize. I now that it's myself I'm talking to, but I know that I know how to run and I shouldn't have fallen. A swift kick should do the trick, but I hesitate to kick myself while I'm down. Naturally my foot moves and I double over as I kick myself to the ground while lying there.

I lay there by myself for some time, trying to understand, unsure of where I stand, not knowing where I am. Now I've found myself, that's me lying there, and with that it's pretty clear where I stand. Now to find out where I am, it might not prove to be difficult it only I wasn't nowhere to be found.

I suppose it doesn't matter, where I am means nothing anymore. Something better must come around, something I can do, somewhere I can go. A place I can call home, one that makes me feel good. Until then I'll just lay here by myself and dream.